My Beautiful Blog

An Actualiser's weblog

Who loves you, baby?

The last several years have been evolutionary, transformational for me. Indeed, I am not close to being the same person that I was trying to be, let’s say, eight years ago when I gave up living ‘corporate’ and began to find Truth, what my heart called me to…

I took a risk, not really aware of the magnitude of this step, but I had been consumed so long – my whole life actually – in setting my own standards, that it had fit in the profile of ‘things I would do’; not far different from heading to France and Holland to study or juggling a full-time, high-pressured job with a Canadian offshore company while doing a full-time Management degree (covertly!). In all these situations I had actually excelled and done great: better than if I had been trying to do, say one of the activities. I guess I multi-multi-multitask well!

I used the term ‘trying to be’ for that era after I had completed an extensive course of study and done well, got married back at home and found back a ‘good job’, then watched my whole world of dreams collapse around me when the real dynamics of living in a basically plastic society, literally kicked in…

It became really difficult as a person who personally thrived on truth and legitimacy to accept, ‘This was it. It doesn’t get better…’

‘Nooo… THAT is NOT possible!’

Actually, I had already noticed the lack of will in many places and I craved to find out what really was the issue at hand that would apparently render visionary persons who are willing to work, useless in this world!

It was frustrating and exhausting trying to act like it was allright, indeed that I was allright, when I definitely wasn’t, but I didn’t really know where to start resolving this soul conflict.

I remember the day I made the decision to be nothing but honest. It is unfortunate that such a decision would bring fear to us but indeed for very many of us, it is the case. Nonetheless I did it; I felt brave and bold, and I really had little else to lose. I was already demoralised, quite alone and not seeing anything but depression in my future, so why not?

So I began this journey, built on faith, and began stepping out beyond my comfort zone and seeing things happening almost immediately. I wasn’t ‘awake’ yet, just mainly curious and desirous to learn; to see where it would go. I loved my freedom immediately and I had little regrets that I had quit the job. I still don’t.

I had very little points of reference to work with since no-one that I know had seriously taken the plunge. In fact, in my close circle I had always been the pioneering person in many aspects: (seen as) fearless, bold, willing to take a chance, very much of faith, both in myself and in the Universe. Even then, I’d never see the Universe of possibilities as in any way limited to the world in front of me. By no means!

And so I stumbled again out of the country, trying to combine my areas of strength – academics and ‘being’ international – to find the ‘solution’ to this problem-of-sorts. There was an interim pit-stop before leaving, when I had been very active in the Church, even to the national level, and trying to stimulate activities to encourage willing members to come to the church. But this had some major limitations as well and ultimately only added to my depression because of the rigidity.

Anyway, my soul’s calling was to transcend the wealth of rhetoric which was clearly against the evolution of people and life and find my place somewhere, somehow.

My greatest challenge was now taking the risk of being totally alone on my journey since nearly everyone familiar was in a different ‘place’ than me, spiritually. It’s not that anyone necessarily was against what I was doing, they just didn’t really ‘get it’. But now, on reflection, they never really did ‘get’ me!

Hitches came only when I attempted to relate my strong desire for Truth and Meaning to persons who were invested in the status quo. Some were invested casually, some had their whole lives, self-image, view of the future, directly connected.

Relator that I am, I was always trying to find ‘our’ relation, because again, I can always see the potential or the possibility of our connecting as human beings!

This day’s reflection is more about an acceptance that ‘I just don’t have to try’. What an amazing one!

It’s ok if you just don’t get along. It’s ok!

There is room enough in the Universe for all kinds of persons, perspectives. And perhaps your life would be well spent by embracing those persons that simply ‘get’ you! The old lovely ‘least effort’, principle, which proved to be one of the truest Universal principles if I’ve ever heard of one, in my day to day life.

But it isn’t even the case of embracing ‘persons’ as much as Me as a person… It is about accepting that those qualities about myself that I felt I always had to explain, as ‘just existing’…

No, I am NOT competitive, I am NOT desperate, I am NOT dependent on humans or a man for survival, for existence, I adore joy and fun, I love people, I love to give and help…

And, so what???

So it is; laid on the table. Take me as I am. And I will still help you! (smile!)

And so I get (and give) permission to immerse in my memories, my first loves, all my dreams, all that works for me, without the sensation like I am a problem to certain other people.

It feels good to release ‘that’ kid and not feel responsible for others’ wellbeing in the same helpless way.

Yes, I think the ultimate love one could give is to one’s self, firstly by embracing Self. After that… anything can happen.

‘Who loves you, Baby?’

‘I do!’


With love, Sherrilene


January 25, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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