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An Actualiser's weblog

Reflection, Conclusion, Closing… Thanking

I believe you can tell, if you tune in, when the end of a phase of your learning is occurring. What an amazingly interesting learning phase this one is, and a really lengthy one by so many standards.

I would have hinted from time to time that my youth was a somewhat confused period because I was non-confrontational and was generally a calm, respectful child. Although mostly quiet, I could handle myself in difficult moments fortunately, and by world’s standards, I came out pretty well. The list of achievements from then until now is quite good and periodically I pat myself on the back for not buckling to the pressures around me. Indeed I am certain it helped motivate me to desire my freedom even more than average persons. I believe in the circumstances I also turned out to be functional and able to handle life with some fluency.

I also have to thank the forces of nature for sweeping tremendous resources into my space to help me on that journey and to reassure me that indeed all our needs are looked out for, far in advance of our even being aware we would have the need.

I’m at the end of a cycle of almost fearful curiosity about what the immediate world sees when they interface with me. I think I’ve been anxious all my life to get a clue about what I put out there that would ’cause’ reactions from my family, of the kind that I received. All the logic in the world doesn’t really help to explain how simply being yourself led to such upset and this has put me on my guard strongly in certain settings.

What ‘concluded’ today was any concern that what was being seen ‘out there’ was anything but what I’d want. And that is a great thing, in my [little] opinion.

In my constant concern with helping others, I often wound up placing my little, lovely desires at the absolute back and bottom of the list of things to focus on. Indeed, my great interest in the wellbeing of the masses crosses into my attempts to understand the destructive behaviours of my ‘inner masses’, if I may… But as any care giver or healer can attest to, very, very often, those same persons you are giving care to, can be extremely insensitive and disrespectful to you, which not only breaks your heart, but begs you to question your judgment in desiring to assist at all. The questioning can be consuming and very distracting from your day to day reality.

Events in recent times have driven me to do the unbelievable – to ignore ‘the masses’ and put my health first. I can’t even say it was voluntary! It seems like it’s time, that’s all. And today I took a stroll through many pictures and mementos of my journey through life, all the way back to my first job, into my first experiences abroad and right back to today and my new, high-thinking friendships. And it’s official: I do great! [… can’t think of a way to say that without sounding big headed 🙂 But I think a reader would know its intention…]

I thought in particular about the sometimes atrocious working conditions that I found in organisations and the efforts I would make to make at least my little area of responsibility a safe and pleasant one. I think about acquaintances that comprised of nothing more than acknowledging a person and their differences without ‘freaking’, and watching that person’s confidence build in an instant. I could keep going… it was a fine reflection! And I’m ever so thankful now, I answered those calls.

But the real conclusive event took me right back to when I was a small tot transitioning practically by myself from primary to secondary school and already managing all the decisions [without complaint… Who would I complain to anyway?]

On reflection, I finally ask ‘How the heck did I make it??’ Dealing with the reality that I was not going to be supported in my educational development by family and in fact, I would probably have to deal with what I now call their ‘active passivity’, which is the condition of the super comfortable, doing their best to stay in that place… And in my inept to process state wondering, what did I do to these guys?

Now, do you believe in that time, with my head consumed in insecurity, that someone saw me…? I mean, really saw me? Someone observed my lonely walk and extended their care. They never once heard a complaint out of me, but understood somehow that I needed to hear that I was a good girl… that I deserved love and didn’t have to fight for it. That person made my walks home from school every evening more meaningful, in ways they may not even know… since I dared never complain.

That person was laid to rest today… and the news of it, though saddening, is in context. He did a good job in his time. He answered a call to help a young girl, just because…

And so back to the original thanks I’m expressing… Somewhere my need to be assured was spoken ‘out there’… and I didn’t know it. This speaks to so many other needs I have seen dealt with in my lifetime and that without reflection, I probably wouldn’t notice their significance. I am really thankful that I have this moment to embrace this and to thank the dear old friend for fulfilling that one mission in his lifetime… and in mine.

And so I say to everyone, go your way, in the safety and knowledge that you deserve love and should not ever have to fight for it. There is no worthy battle for the sake of Love… NONE. This, the highest of all the gifts, is also provided for you along with your other real needs. Relax and receive it, I insist!

I feel thankful for the security of knowing this today.

God bless you. Sherrilene



August 22, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | 1 Comment

Am… err… Faith? Oh boy!

Mmmm, a test of Faith; the big word… the BADDD word!

My good friends remark that I’m of faith and very dedicated, and compared to many, I guess I am. Case in point: my decision to go out on my own and not only start a business but a business which was in direct contradiction to the dynamics of The System, i.e. it concentrated on higher human values.

It did take a lot to take that leap but I felt it was my higher purpose being acted out, and therefore it would be allright; indeed better than allright! It had to be far better than where I was, dissatisfied in so many spheres of my life.

Back then the primary currency coming in was dollar-wise, but much of my self respect was rushing back out… So this led to a very dismal place of existence.

So many years on, substantial investments of all kinds later, and I am happy to say, equivalent improvement of my quality of life and I’m now at a juncture where my belief in the greater virtues is being strongly tested.

Interesting moment; because this time my gut is telling me ‘Stick with it…’; and my emotions all seem to be going with it too! I feel I can’t go wrong!

This is progress.

I also feel my commitment earlier in the day to simply continue being happy, overrides all other ‘events’ which may turn up right now.

Isn’t it amusing? I even have some ‘logic’ for this position!  Here it is:

  1. I have worked long and hard, usually by myself, to be disciplined and committed to ‘good things’. In some circles one would say, I have paid my dues
  2. It is clear that I was never really up against myself all this time… the beautifully, deep woven System was rife with inefficiencies, wastage, blatant corruption…!  I could go on but I won’t bother, and
  3. All of the signals of the System that I have followed, while setting aside my instincts, have led me repeatedly into anguish, depression and very often, misery. Some of the biggies included marriage, commitment to religion and to family,  post-graduate education, the ‘good job’ and finally immersion in the ‘motivation’ sector.

No, that didn’t quite work…

By the same token, going by the gut has been magnificent!I am thankful to say, I am NEVER bored with any of my activities.

Something about natural living is great, without it taking away from sophistication or modern life and I feel I am getting very good at it!I just KNOW I’m onto something great!

And so I’ve decided to let my nature flow and just keep happy and to let the rest go to the Universe to make things right and in my favour… Let us just see how it will go.

Namaste and Peace to you.


I've always thought this picture was quite a fitting depiction of my Leap!

I've always thought this picture was quite a fitting depiction of my Leap!

August 19, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | 1 Comment

Beauty, in thought, word… indeed

I still get surprised when I see my thoughts manifest into reality. In fact, if there were one thing I would encourage everyone to try just once [although you might probably get hooked on this!], it is to focus intentionally and with positivity on some small dream of theirs, then let it go to the universe to let it take beautiful form.

I have dreamed for some time of a home in a very green and flower-filled place with fruit trees and animals around me. I thought I would actually have to move to a different country to have this dream fulfilled. But the Universe decided otherwise!

Yes, a dream come true. I will have this beautiful surrounding to live and work in quite soon; a place of quiet, of clean energy for creativity. I can’t imagine what little goodies are going to come out of these fingers and this brain from that move!

I spend a good deal of time refining my thinking and communing with the universe’s desires for me, which I believe are represented by my visions for living. It’s such a great feeling to feel aligned with It!

So friends, please don’t ignore your visions; indeed embrace them and hold them with love to your heart. And with pure mind and positive intention, they just might come true for you too!

Bless and be blessed.


green farm

August 14, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , | 2 Comments

Race… to the Finish!

Since I was a child I questioned things… obviously a challenge for my dear grandmother who didn’t have many answers to the sometimes outrageous questions I brought up! It was further to her getting stumped on the God questions that I ‘rebelled’ and got my first tastes of ‘letting go’ to see how I would land! Fine, of course!

I was a ‘social challenge’ for my family because spontaneously I blended with everyone in a calm and rational way. Aggression disturbed me, actually. It made me quite uncomfortable. I never ‘got’ why one would be attacking.

I used the phrase ‘social challenge’ to describe myself because just about everyone in my family besides maybe my gran and one brother, was fairly aggressive! There just seemed to be anger every place I looked! On reflection it was probably wrongly placed, but regardless, it did manifest quite strongly in my home life. I did a lot of flexing to actualise in my younger years.

My brother used to find things, it seems, to get angry at. It was like if he wanted to be enraged! One subject that he jumped on regularly was racism. It is fairly typical for many people to blame ‘the white man’ for the hardships of the ‘poor black man’ in my country, and I believe many other countries as well, using different variations on the shade of the oppressive Man.

Well even in my youth I’d ask the question, … ‘but what exactly did this ‘white person’ directly do to us?’ since in fact, the closest I had ever come to one of these mythical creatures was seeing them on tv! I couldn’t differentiate between in-between shades very well either. Not to say that I didn’t register a slight difference if I met a non-negro, but it was more about ‘carriage’ than ‘colour’. I hope this makes sense…

As the years went on I made a decision to finally let my brother know that I was NOT subscribing to the story he was telling. My rational brain demanded facts [thank God!] I went on to secondary school and went from being a social problem for someone, to being confirmed a quite acceptable little girl who all kinds of people liked too. [Indeed I was pretty likeable at primary school too, but it helped to see it elsewhere.]

That’s where I first met with diversity! It was great. Some of my best acquaintances were wealthy white [local], visiting Scotsman boy, white, and a few other persons from different places in the world. I had tremendously good friends who were also of African descent like me, but in terms of chilling out and being comfortable, I must admit I felt a greater responsibility with them than with the ‘freer’ people of the world.

My insistence on fact to my mind aided me to achieve very many of my eventual goals in life.

Then, as now, rhetoric reigned. So many people toss about phrases and words that they heard someone else say and do not take their time to analyse for themselves and bring some justification to their choices. That open minded me has met some truly beautiful persons over the years, starting then in my childhood ignorance and insistence. My life would not be the same nor would I be so contented, if I had not enriched it with a range of influences!

I feel quite disappointed when I see people ‘go there’, and go there aggressively also. Everyone is ‘my people’ and I see the best in them ‘on the spot’! I feel very blessed to have this inner sight, you could call it, because my exchanges with people are so much richer, more exciting, very energising!

A Canadian friend once asked me, ‘Do you consider anyone to be a stranger?’ And my spontaneous response was, ‘I don’t see strangers; I see a human being waiting to be acknowledged.’ And it was sincere.

Perhaps we could recognise that we each need to be seen as more than a superficial thing. Perhaps we could acknowledge that the aggression often manifest is due to a craven desire to be simply noticed; to be seen as somebody… Maybe then we could temper our response and reaction to not perpetuate and extend the aggression and help things to deteriorate even further…?

Today I think the issue of race is another quite sad effort to rule by fear and not by sense. We each have an option to step back and ask if we are ruling our mind or is ‘someone else’, less equipped to judge for us. It is one of many such issues we still talk about, too much in my opinion, while Real issues prevail for all of us.

Our humanity is over there at the finishing line waiting for us to get there. I am so SO ready, to Race to THAT finish!

Join me there!

Love you all,

Best, Sherrilene


August 5, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , | 15 Comments