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An Actualiser's weblog

Reflection, Conclusion, Closing… Thanking

I believe you can tell, if you tune in, when the end of a phase of your learning is occurring. What an amazingly interesting learning phase this one is, and a really lengthy one by so many standards.

I would have hinted from time to time that my youth was a somewhat confused period because I was non-confrontational and was generally a calm, respectful child. Although mostly quiet, I could handle myself in difficult moments fortunately, and by world’s standards, I came out pretty well. The list of achievements from then until now is quite good and periodically I pat myself on the back for not buckling to the pressures around me. Indeed I am certain it helped motivate me to desire my freedom even more than average persons. I believe in the circumstances I also turned out to be functional and able to handle life with some fluency.

I also have to thank the forces of nature for sweeping tremendous resources into my space to help me on that journey and to reassure me that indeed all our needs are looked out for, far in advance of our even being aware we would have the need.

I’m at the end of a cycle of almost fearful curiosity about what the immediate world sees when they interface with me. I think I’ve been anxious all my life to get a clue about what I put out there that would ’cause’ reactions from my family, of the kind that I received. All the logic in the world doesn’t really help to explain how simply being yourself led to such upset and this has put me on my guard strongly in certain settings.

What ‘concluded’ today was any concern that what was being seen ‘out there’ was anything but what I’d want. And that is a great thing, in my [little] opinion.

In my constant concern with helping others, I often wound up placing my little, lovely desires at the absolute back and bottom of the list of things to focus on. Indeed, my great interest in the wellbeing of the masses crosses into my attempts to understand the destructive behaviours of my ‘inner masses’, if I may… But as any care giver or healer can attest to, very, very often, those same persons you are giving care to, can be extremely insensitive and disrespectful to you, which not only breaks your heart, but begs you to question your judgment in desiring to assist at all. The questioning can be consuming and very distracting from your day to day reality.

Events in recent times have driven me to do the unbelievable – to ignore ‘the masses’ and put my health first. I can’t even say it was voluntary! It seems like it’s time, that’s all. And today I took a stroll through many pictures and mementos of my journey through life, all the way back to my first job, into my first experiences abroad and right back to today and my new, high-thinking friendships. And it’s official: I do great! [… can’t think of a way to say that without sounding big headed 🙂 But I think a reader would know its intention…]

I thought in particular about the sometimes atrocious working conditions that I found in organisations and the efforts I would make to make at least my little area of responsibility a safe and pleasant one. I think about acquaintances that comprised of nothing more than acknowledging a person and their differences without ‘freaking’, and watching that person’s confidence build in an instant. I could keep going… it was a fine reflection! And I’m ever so thankful now, I answered those calls.

But the real conclusive event took me right back to when I was a small tot transitioning practically by myself from primary to secondary school and already managing all the decisions [without complaint… Who would I complain to anyway?]

On reflection, I finally ask ‘How the heck did I make it??’ Dealing with the reality that I was not going to be supported in my educational development by family and in fact, I would probably have to deal with what I now call their ‘active passivity’, which is the condition of the super comfortable, doing their best to stay in that place… And in my inept to process state wondering, what did I do to these guys?

Now, do you believe in that time, with my head consumed in insecurity, that someone saw me…? I mean, really saw me? Someone observed my lonely walk and extended their care. They never once heard a complaint out of me, but understood somehow that I needed to hear that I was a good girl… that I deserved love and didn’t have to fight for it. That person made my walks home from school every evening more meaningful, in ways they may not even know… since I dared never complain.

That person was laid to rest today… and the news of it, though saddening, is in context. He did a good job in his time. He answered a call to help a young girl, just because…

And so back to the original thanks I’m expressing… Somewhere my need to be assured was spoken ‘out there’… and I didn’t know it. This speaks to so many other needs I have seen dealt with in my lifetime and that without reflection, I probably wouldn’t notice their significance. I am really thankful that I have this moment to embrace this and to thank the dear old friend for fulfilling that one mission in his lifetime… and in mine.

And so I say to everyone, go your way, in the safety and knowledge that you deserve love and should not ever have to fight for it. There is no worthy battle for the sake of Love… NONE. This, the highest of all the gifts, is also provided for you along with your other real needs. Relax and receive it, I insist!

I feel thankful for the security of knowing this today.

God bless you. Sherrilene




August 22, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. thanks babe.

    jah jah bless u in your in and your out.


    Comment by rHaj | August 22, 2009 | Reply

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